The past month has been a little hellish for me. Thank goodness my perspective and opinion on things constantly changes. Mothers day was about a week and half ago. I’m sure I am not the only person who has differing feelings about mother relationships every year around this time or on other holidays. Life is complicated with various circumstances and parental relationships are a big part of those complications.
I never know how I’ll feel on or around Mothers day. It depends on how I’m feeling or thinking about my mother at that time. My mother is alive, but we haven’t had a relationship in over ten years. Not because we don’t love each other, or because we don’t get along, but because her religious beliefs don’t allow for us to have a relationship. Same with my grandmother. Same with my father. Same with my sister.
I’ve taken the decade plus years to make some sort of peace in my life with these circumstances. This year, though, I did not want to think of my mother at all. I’d been emotional for a couple weeks before Mothers Day anyway. My heart has felt like it’s been in shreds, feeling unrequited love that I know is “supposed” to be there. I’ve tried to move on with my life the best way I can.
After about a month of emotional turmoil, it hit me. Like a graceful feather. I realized I was creating a codependent connection with people I don’t even talk to. My mother does not need me. I repeat: She does not need me. You know what? I don’t need her either. Part of my suffering has simply been because I’ve felt my parents should need me for some things, and I should still need them too, despite me being 35 years old. Time doesn’t matter much. It’s perfectly normal to desire a connection with your parents or immediate family.
My parents are just fine, though. They are living their lives and taking care of themselves just fine. Guess what? After years of trial and error, so am I. Yes, I have concern for them, naturally. I want the best for them. I want them to be safe and healthy and happy. I’m sure they want the same for me. All that “pain” was coming from me wanting to be needed by them. Instead of living my life to the fullest, I’ve avoided some things, feeling that they could never be truly enjoyable without my family in my life. Of course, it would be nice. The reality may sound harsh but it’s really relieving to really know who needs you and who doesn’t. To know who you need and who you don’t need.
What a beautiful, refreshing lesson in detachment for me. People come and go. You know why? Because they have other assignments. For example, If I am a mechanic, but I’d like to change my career and become a boxer, guess who I need right now? A boxing coach. I don’t NEED to work closely with the same people I’d previously been in company with. It would make little sense for me to overly mourn the fact that I don’t need a mechanic mentor anymore. Our time is simply done.
As for my family, our time is simply done for now. I have things to do. Life assignments to complete, and so do they. It’s called divine order. Not “I get what I want on my time only.” That would be complete disorder.
Wild Genius Queen 