The past month has been a little hellish for me. Thank goodness my perspective and opinion on things constantly changes. Mothers day was about a week and half ago. I’m sure I am not the only person who has differing feelings about mother relationships every year around this time or on other holidays. Life is complicated with various circumstances and parental relationships are a big part of those complications.

I never know how I’ll feel on or around Mothers day. It depends on how I’m feeling or thinking about my mother at that time. My mother is alive, but we haven’t had a relationship in over ten years. Not because we don’t love each other, or because we don’t get along, but because her religious beliefs don’t allow for us to have a relationship. Same with my grandmother. Same with my father. Same with my sister.

I’ve taken the decade plus years to make some sort of peace in my life with these circumstances. This year, though, I did not want to think of my mother at all. I’d been emotional for a couple weeks before Mothers Day anyway. My heart has felt like it’s been in shreds, feeling unrequited love that I know is “supposed” to be there. I’ve tried to move on with my life the best way I can.

After about a month of emotional turmoil, it hit me. Like a graceful feather. I realized I was creating a codependent connection with people I don’t even talk to. My mother does not need me. I repeat: She does not need me. You know what? I don’t need her either. Part of my suffering has simply been because I’ve felt my parents should need me for some things, and I should still need them too, despite me being 35 years old. Time doesn’t matter much. It’s perfectly normal to desire a connection with your parents or immediate family.

My parents are just fine, though. They are living their lives and taking care of themselves just fine. Guess what? After years of trial and error, so am I. Yes, I have concern for them, naturally. I want the best for them. I want them to be safe and healthy and happy. I’m sure they want the same for me. All that “pain” was coming from me wanting to be needed by them. Instead of living my life to the fullest, I’ve avoided some things, feeling that they could never be truly enjoyable without my family in my life. Of course, it would be nice. The reality may sound harsh but it’s really relieving to really know who needs you and who doesn’t. To know who you need and who you don’t need.

What a beautiful, refreshing lesson in detachment for me. People come and go. You know why? Because they have other assignments. For example, If I am a mechanic, but I’d like to change my career and become a boxer, guess who I need right now? A boxing coach. I don’t NEED to work closely with the same people I’d previously been in company with. It would make little sense for me to overly mourn the fact that I don’t need a mechanic mentor anymore. Our time is simply done.

As for my family, our time is simply done for now. I have things to do. Life assignments to complete, and so do they. It’s called divine order. Not “I get what I want on my time only.” That would be complete disorder.

Once again, I said what I said. Your life purpose is no big deal to anyone else but you and the higher power who gave you the task at hand. The support of others is wonderful, but really, you live your purpose for a “higher power”, and the “higher power” makes sure everyone who is supposed to benefit from it benefits from it.

Another reason your life purpose is no big deal is because it’s not across the universe from you. It’s right within you. Just like everything else you need. You enjoying the time you dedicate to your natural abilities and interests, is your life purpose. Having fun and being truly happy is your life purpose. No big deal, right?

Just think about it. If I’m working for someone else, I have no problem taking a day off, even with a great work ethic, rest periods are to be taken. You can’t blame someone for not grasping the value of your life purpose, or seemingly not caring about it, because it just looks like fun!!! It may look to others like you’re doing something that just so happened to work out. Others may seem to desire to distract you, but they really just would like to watch and learn how you focus. Keep on your path. The road is cramped with distractions and the distracted. This helps us L’earn to move more gracefully through the journey.

Maybe all life purposes are not meant to intersect as closely as others. Your fun life purpose world may be a distraction to someone else’s life purpose of another area of focus. We are here to love, L’earn, and have fun doing it. One carefree foot in front of the other.

I said what I said. Upgrades feel funny. Improvements. Whatever you want to call them. They feel funny, because they’re just changes. Changes are changes, and the gradual changes sometimes don’t even seem gradual enough. They feel weird because they’re so noticeable at times. You seem to become a person you don’t even recognize. Believe that you can change in the ways that you’ve asked for. Of course it’s tempting to go back to old ways for comfort depending on the type of changes you’re making.

Changing can feel funny because they can produce a domino or butterfly effect. Who I was operating as out of survival is expired and outdated, but oh so familiar. Frustrating yet familiar and comforting on some level. So any slight change to a comfort zone can seem so big and frightening. Being who you really would like to be feels so surreal and exciting. Yet the work doesn’t stop. Blessings are popping up everywhere and so is new work. That’s what’s hitting me lately lol.

New work can show up as spiritual, emotional observations that may feel so foreign to focus on. Because general things that you may be improving about yourself or accepting about yourself, change and improve other things. You may be finding more peace in your life and laughing more can be a byproduct of it. You may have a conscious moment where you don’t recognize yourself not being so serious anymore. Me, telling myself no? So I can tell myself yes to better? Yeah that’s a personal observation lol and it’s kicking my ass, but I will triumph as always.

You may be putting yourself first more often and even shock yourself. You may also still feel guilt about putting yourself first. It’s okay. You deserve pleasure, and you deserve peace, so give yourself a break about choosing you this time. And it will be easier the next time.

It’s Taurus season, but this past full moon was a Scorpio Moon, Taurus’ partner in crime– its opposite sign. Scorpio is about transforming and getting rid of old shit, naturally. And Taurus is about getting new shit, and building shit! The more I learn about the stars, the more life makes sense. Purging and collecting are two obviously different tasks! So having to do both can be uncomfortable! Transition, Transformation! Delicious cringe! Bittersweet moments! Refreshing release.

So now the moon is waning, getting smaller, turning, and fading away for the next moon cycle. And so is the old stuff we’ve turned away from. It’s okay to let it happen.

Earl Simmons. A Warrior-King, nobleman, and a Sagittarius. A voice hard not to love. I don’t have to know exactly what happens after this life, but I predict a lot of bullshit falls off. I rarely say ‘Rest in Peace,’ but ‘Fly in Freedom.’